The Maze of Life
Been thinking a lot lately about all the ups and downs of life and how your perspective changes how you view a situation, whether it is a problem to solve or something to celebrate. It can shift greatly depending on how we look at whatever it is we are faced with. One of my favorite phrases is “THE ONLY CONSTANT IN LIFE IS CHANGE.”
It is SO true – life is always changing.
With children, once you get comfortable with a stage they are in, they change – that’s often how it feels to me. I look back at what I thought were difficult times at the moment, and now those troubles seem like child’s play compared to some of the issues I face now with my kids who are 5 and 8. A blowout where liquid #2 goes all the way up the back seems like a funny joke when I look through my “Parenting” photo album to reminisce about the harder moments of having kids. Now my kids sometimes use curse words and can say hurtful things they do not mean in the heat of the moment.
Meltdowns are frequent and can be longer in duration and harder to manage at ages 5 and 8 than when they were 1 and 4. I remind myself that the ONLY PERSON I can control is MYSELF. These children are not ROBOTS and neither am I. There is no magic code to hack a child’s meltdown and all the parenting experts say “PICK YOUR BATTLES.” Okay, well, sometimes it can be hard to pick them on days where it feels like EVERYTHING becomes a battle, whether we are picking them or not, and are trying to be flexible and go with the flow.
I’ve recently found myself in the position of frequent solo parenting in addition to managing all weekday mornings and daytime and most dinner prep. I had the most challenging solo parenting day this weekend when my husband was at a work training from 8am until after 4:30pm. There were double digit meltdowns between those hours. You feel judged when your 5 year old is screaming her head off at the swim academy and parents and children are looking at you and you can feel their eyes (and judgment, imagined and otherwise).
I can close my eyes and still remember the seminal meltdown my then 4 year old daughter had in front of the Monterey Market in Berkeley, CA last fall (2023). She kept hitting me and I told her I was not going to allow her to hit me and we were going to stand in front of the market until it stopped before going inside. She went on for 45 minutes. I had people STOP and ask me if I needed help but to be honest, it felt judgmental like I was a negligent mother when they had no idea what was going on before this meltdown and they didn’t see the cuts on my thigh from her fingernails I had received the day before. The nice gentleman who was checking customer receipts at the door asked if she wanted any cherries or fruit to calm her down. She rejected everything. A man walked by and told me, “that child needs a good beating” and then walked a few more feet and used the F word to curse out someone. It’s this epic meltdown in front of the Monterey Market AND me watching HER watch HERSELF close the laundry door on her own finger that led me to message her pediatrician to ask for an assessment which led us to the Autism Spectrum Disorder diagnosis we received shortly before Thanksgiving last year in 2023.
I am human also and as an adult with ADHD, it can be difficult to manage my own hyperactivity and impulsivity. I struggle with this when my children are actively in a massive meltdown mode and this weekend it was a nonstop cascade of meltdowns. I am grateful they did NOT meltdown at the same time that day because I really think I would have lost my marbles. At the end of the day, I appreciate that I have some lessons to learn about managing my own bandwidth and what I can and can not do. I also think it is useful to remember that it is NOT about NOT having meltdowns or getting into it with your kids sometimes in a BATTLE of the WILLS or who wins or loses, but it is about the mending and repair of the relationship in the aftermath. The hugs and the tears that come after all the ANGRY/MAD emotion has faded and what you are left with are the more vulnerable feelings. One of the parenting tips I always try to remember but don’t always get right is: CONNECTION before CORRECTION. The same can be said after a meltdown or argument – it is so important to connect with your kids to repair any ruptures that may have occurred and let them know, hey, I’m sorry I did X and I feel bad about Y and can we try this again? I’m human and I’m not perfect and I love you and I want to make up with you. There can be a silver lining to even the bad moments if you try to make lemonade out of the lemons or “dance in the flames” like my new favorite song, “Dancing in the Flames” by The Weeknd. Can’t stop the fire from flaming but you can dance in the flames!